Be you, bravely.

Life is scary. And Life as a parent is even scarier.. There are days when I look at my daughter and I feel so weak because I'm scared...I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if a year from now, we will have a place to live. And I don't know if a year from now we will have food to eat.. I have the worst anxiety when it comes to the unknown factor about life, which I think most people, mothers in particular also have. The fear of the unknown, and the anxiety that comes with it is always lingering in the back of my mind. To me, that's probably the hardest part of motherhood.. Not knowing what is going to happen next. 

I've always been a planner. But the roller coaster of life with a 2 year old ALWAYS has unexpected twists and turns. And that's when bravery comes into play. Remember when you were a kid at an amusement park with your dad and older sibling? They were both so excited to get on this huge roller coaster but you were scared to death.. You faked a smile and you faked your excitement, but inside you were freaking out. Your heart was pumping, and that little voice inside your head was telling you, "you can do this, just breathe, just be strong." And you got on that roller coaster, and you rode it even though you were scared..that is called bravery. That is called being fearless. To me, fearless doesn't mean that you're not afraid. It means hat you're scared to death, but you do it anyway and you come out even stronger, even braver! 

And that's how I tackle life as a 21 year old, single, full-working mom. I use bravery. I tell myself at least 20-30 times a day to be brave..I tell myself to be strong and even though I'm scared, that I will be okay. I tell myself that I will make it through this. And that God has a plan for me. I wake up and tell myself that it will be a good day... 

And on days when my toddler decides that she wants to throw a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store because I won't let her eat the blue berries that we just put in the cart and I find myself losing my patience with her, seems to be too much to swallow..I remind myself that I am far from perfect, and that in order to grow, I have to make mistakes. 

I have to have moments where I'm unsure about what's going to happen next. I know that God has a plan for us, and if I just trust him, he will eventually show me why he has done the things he has done for me. I remember to tell myself it's just a bad day, not a bad life. And if i just just be me, bravely, I will get through it.. 

Motherhood is never easy. It's hard and it's messy, but those moments, when I find myself about to break down and cry because I've had enough, that I find the most bravery, and I find them to be the most rewarding. it truly helps me appreciate those precious moments after the tantrum that was just thrown when my daughter looks at me and says "I'm sorry mommy, I love you".. 

Drunken words are sober thoughts

I had a rather odd drunken experience last night with a woman whom I had just met. But let me tell you, this woman changed my life. 

Now those of you who know me personally know that I'm not much of a drinker or a party person, however; when my child is with her father for the weekend, I sometimes like to Indulge a little. So anyway, last night Patrick (my boyfriend that lives with me) and I went to BBQ at his friends house. Patrick had to practically beg me to go because I hate going out but I agreed because we haven't had a night out in quiet awhile.

Once we had arrived to the house, we are greeted by some of our friends and I introduced myself to the few people standing around that I didn't know. The person whose house it was soon made her way down the stairs and introduced herself. She was an older woman (her son is friends with my boyfriends best friend) and she was so sweet to me.. We instantly clicked and She immediately made me feel at home. We were both drinking along with everyone else having a great time. As the night progressed we had begun taking about life and I started telling her my story. She was of course shocked when I told her that I had a daughter, just like everyone else I meet lol. She listened to my story and her demeanor toward me changed. We started sharing stories of  the trials and tribulations we've both encountered in motherhood. And we honestly just had such a great conversation. Toward the end of the night she was pretty wasted but she gave me the best advice I think I've ever heard..

As the night was going on she kept telling me how beautiful I was inside and out. At first I thought it was just because she was drunk and she didn't really know what she was saying. But I think after the 6th or 7th time she said it to me, she could tell I was getting a little uncomfortable because I had already said "aww thank you, you're so sweet" like 5 times. She started telling me a story about how she was at one point an usher at her church. And one Sunday there was a young pregnant woman who had come to see the service and everyone was just raving about how beautiful she was.. And she said "well why don't you tell her?" To the other usher who had made a comment on the woman's beauty to her..She said "too often we see people who seem like they have their life together or whatever and we just expect them to know that they are beautiful and that they are full of worth. We expect them to already know that, but what we fail to realize is that most people don't know their worth and most people don't know how truly beautiful they are. And that's why I'm telling you that you're beautiful so much sweetie, because I want you to know that you're truly a beautiful person no matter what situations you've encountered in your life." I swear this was like the nicest thing that someone, a complete stranger up until 3 hours before this, had ever said to me. 

And that was it. It just clicked in my mind. She was so right. I am so guilty of looking at people and putting a negative label on them because of what they are wearing or the way they chose to wear their hair that day and from what I "heard" about them..I hate that.  What I fail to remember is that we are all gods children. No one is perfect. No one has their life completely together 100% all the time. We are all fighting our own battles and encountering life "problems". We were all created differently and we were all created with a purpose. We are all beautiful in our own ways. We all have negative traits or habits, but we all have good ones too.

 I hate that I worry so much about the labels that people are placing on me and last night was so eye opening to me. Instead of letting people place a negative label on me, I am going to show them that I am already labeled beautiful inside and out despite what I've done and what I've been through in my life.. I know who I am and I will not let society or other people try to tell me otherwise. 

I swear it's so crazy the way God plans out these moments in our lives. I truly believe that he uses people, places and events in our lives to speak to us and I could feel that he was using her to speak to me. I know that sounds I honestly have never felt so humbled in my life.. 

Uncharted.

I remember our first night home alone together like it was yesterday. She was bundled up in this tiny little sleeper I had bought for her the day after I found out I was having a girl. Sitting in my room, in the dark, with the only light being the light from the cracks underneath the door, I was so scared. I sat in a rocking chair, exhausted, with her in my arms laying against my chest. I had just gotten her to settle down after struggling through another breast feeding nightmare. (My daughter was born with tounge tie, so until she had surgery on her tounge, breast feeding was the most painful/difficult thing Ive ever tried to do) I sat there for a few minutes rocking and softly singing to her. tears poured down my cheeks because my pregnancy was the hardest 9 months of my life and it was finally hitting me. I was so over whelmed with all these different emotions when my daughter was born that I didn't really know how to feel about being a mother. I just kept thinking to myself 'there is no way I can do this. There is no way that I can possibly know exactly what to do In every single situation and this tiny little human is depending on me for everything, what the hell where you thinking doing this Melissa!' I was calling out to God for a miracle, but I wasn't sure if he was even really listening. I was doubting myself as a mother, I didn't think I was good enough to be a mom. 

When she was just about to fall asleep I got up softly and tired to place her in her crib. And right as I went to lay her down, her tiny little hand grabbed onto my chest and held on so tight. She started to fuss and it was Almost as if she was reaching out to me to remind me that she needed me. I started sobbing even harder in that moment as I clutched my tiny 3 day old baby to my chest. She immediately calmed down and I felt so much peace in that moment. I sat down and realized that this tiny human needed ME, her mother.  No matter what I was dealing with in my life, NONE of that mattered to her because I was her mother. The only thing that mattered to her was being in my arms. It was there in that moment that I knew what kind of mother I would be.

In that moment I finally understood gods love. I understood that he was listening every single time I cried out. I knew that God had designed that moment for me and my daughter with the intention for me to find strength in it. It was in that moment when I realized that motherhood was going to forever be uncharted territory, but it was my job to explore that territory and make an adventure out of it. It was that night that forever shaped my soul into the mother that I am now. I always reflect back on that moment with mackenzee when I'm having a hard time parenting her. I remember that she is still learning who she is and it's my job to help her figure it out. I know now that I am enough. I know now that I am great mother. No one can take that away from me ❤️ 

on the road to loving yourself first (special post for single mothers)

Most of us have a child with someone who is no longer around. He may be around for your child/children but hes no longer there for you. and that SUCKS. its hard to look at your child, who is half your ex, and not want to break down and cry. its hard not to think to yourself how badly you wanted a "family" for your child. Its so hard not to think that maybe if you would of done things differently that he would still be there for you.. Believe me. I know its hard to look at your child without having feelings that are very overwhelming.

Most of us just turn around and jump into another relationship without a care in the world because we don't want to be alone. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but what we don't realize is that we don't ever really take the time to love ourselves. Learning to love yourself is quiet possibly one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do in your life, but its also the most rewarding thing you can ever do for yourself, AND your kids. When you learn to love yourself  you will become a stronger person all around and other peoples opinions wont affect you anymore. You will be set free from whatever ties to your ex are holding you back from living your life.

But have you ever  sat down and thought about what loving yourself looks like? When I sat down and thought about it, I realized that after my daughters dad went our seperate ways, I  never really took the time to learn to love myself before settling down again. So I made it my mission to really focus on myself. and its truly changed my life.

"loving yourself" could be different for everyone because lets face it, we are all different and we all live different lives, but below is a very general list of ways you can love yourself:

1. Leave little reminders for yourself on your bathroom counter, in  your car, at your desk at work with cute sayings, inspirational quotes, and positive affirmation towards yourself. read them every time you glance at them. This is a huge thing for me since I am visual learner. you could even take a dry erase marker and write on your mirror "you're beautiful" or even a simple "have a great day". remember: one positive thought can change your whole day.

2.Start doing things that YOU enjoy doing and do them for YOURSELF. Remember when you stopped getting dinner with your girlfriends once every two weeks because your "man" didn't want you to? yeah,, now is your opportunity to start doing things like that again, FOR YOURSELF. and remember when you stopped wearing your hair a certain way because your "man " made a comment about how he didn't like it that way? again, now is your opportunity to start wearing your hair/make up however the hell you want because this is YOUR life and no one should be in charge of how you live it.

3.Stop worrying about your ex and his new girlfriend. let me repeat that again. STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR EX AND HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND. majority of your anxiety and heartache, at this point, are coming from you worrying about what hes doing, with who. at this point its not your business anymore. Now, before you think im being irrational when i say that, because believe me i know that is wayyyyyy easier said than it is done, remind yourself: if he was worth keeping you would still have him.


4. Delete your social media. okay, jk. I know that's hard because that is how most of us keep up with our family and friends. so unless you're bold enough to completely delete, at least delete people who bring nothing but negativity and drama to your life. ESPECIALLY if you are apart of the "instagram mom community" which most of you reading this are.. STOP feeding into the drama. stop constantly checking on your ex and his new girl. stop engaging it all together. that's honestly the best thing you can do for yourself and your child at this point.

5. Stop trying to prove yourself to anyone. You do not owe anyone an explanation for YOUR happiness. It is no one elses business what is going on in your life. remember that this is your life, not anyone elses. You are on your own pursuit of happiness and you're the only person who can decide what is best for you and your family. its going to be really hard to let go but when you're finally able to look back you're going to be so proud and thankful that you did. this is your opportunity to really be YOU and show the world what you're made of.

There are so many more tips that I can give but really is important here is realizing your self worth. One quote that has always stuck with me and I try to live by is "my value does not decrease due to your inability to see my worth".. And it's so true. Ladies, please remember that our children watch us. They watch and they learn our daily habits. Our motherly voices will eventually become their inner thoughts. I don't know about any of you, but I want my daughter to grow up knowing how to love herself. For more tips, please private message me. I'm always here to talk. I don't care who you are.. If you need someone to tell you you're beautiful or to tell you your worth, LET ME BE THAT PERSON! 

What my daughter doesn't know..

My sweet baby girl, every night I tuck her into bed with a kiss on her cheek, and a smile on my face. I tell her I love her and to have sweet dreams, then I turn out the light.

As she drifts off into sweet slumber, I quietly lay in my bed, contemplating everything going on in our lives. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am a full time working mother who also has to share 50/50 custody with my child's father. So what that looks like for me is SACRIFICE. I sacrifice my time with my child so she can have a relationship with her father. I sacrifice my time with my child to be able to provide a roof over her head, clothes on her back, and food in her tummy because someone has to do it. I have to sacrifice many precious moments with my two and half year old and it absolutely kills me. Now I'm not trying to complain. I chose to become a mother and I chose to walk away from her father. I just wish that things were different. As any other "single" parent would..

What my daughter doesn't know is that every single precious moment that I miss with her, I silently beat myself up for. I tear up randomly during the day, at work when  her picture pops up on my screen saver.. I fell like a horrible mother every single time she begs me not to drop her off at school, and when she begs me to pick her up from her dads. She doesn't know that I spent every single night of my pregnancy crying and begging god to give me the strength to be a good mother. She doesn't know that every single day, I have to tell myself "Melissa, stop crying, you need to stay strong, you're doing what's best for her". I have to remind myself of how far I've come since the day she came into my life. She doesn't know that I blame myself for every single thing wrong that has happened in her life.

What my daughter doesn't know is that she is the absolute best thing that has happened to me. Every single time she tells me she loves me, it awakens my soul. It makes every single sacrifice worth it. it makes all the pain and heartache melt away. What my daughter doesn't know is that I would sacrifice every single thing I had just to ensure that she had the world. she doesn't know that she is my motivation and the only thing that keeps me going. Her smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. My daughter doesn't know that she is my favorite person in the entire world and that her existence fills my heart with so much love and so much joy.


One day my daughter will understand all the sacrifices I made for her. One day she will understand just how hard it was for me to share custody with her father. One day she will understand how hard it was for me to leave and go to work every single day instead of staying home with her. One day she will be able to look me in the eye and tell me shes proud of everything I've done for her. and when that day comes, This sacrifice will all be worth it..I love you sweet girl. 

The day she told me she loved me..

Imagine you and your child are playing at the park, and you're having a great time, smiling and laughing. While you're playing you notice an older woman, who is also with her children, staring at you guys. suddenly shes approaching you, and you start to panic. As she approaches she says, "wow, your baby is so cute! i couldn't help but notice his/her adorable laugh!" and suddenly your heart calms down when you realize she is not a crazy person, just another mother. You two start discussing the joys of having a child and how much you love the little things about motherhood the most. you feel comfortable opening up about your experiences with her and you feel like shes being very genuine when she complements you saying "Wow you seem like such a good mother!". you guys are totally hitting it off and then she asks the dreaded question "You look so young, how old are you?"

Its happened to all of us. That question is asked and we suddenly feel like we are being judged. We suddenly feel like all the trust we've just built with some one is completely gone, even if the person was being completely genuine..

As a young mother, I often struggle with judgement(As most young mothers do..) It honestly drives me wild when people say "oh, you're a mom? you look so young!" I always reply with "well I am only twenty-one, but I love my daughter and i love being a mother, Shes the light of my life" and most of the time the person is shocked. Mostly because i look like I'm 17, lol i wont deny the fact that I have a baby face.. But instead of getting angry like I used to, I've learned to take it as a compliment because they have no idea the woman that I've grown into BECAUSE I was a young parent.

Honestly though, after allllll of the struggle and hardships we've faced, I would not trade a single thing. The day my daughter looked me right in the eye told me "wuv yew" for the first time, honestly was one of the proudest moments of my life and that right there life told me that I was doing something right.. I may not be a perfect mother, but I do know that I am a good one. The love and trust my daughter has for me shows daily when the first person she looks for when she wakes up is me. When she's playing with her toys peacefully and abruptly stops to make sure I'm within sight and smiles as soon as she sees I'm still here already looking at her. When she climbs over to me just to snuggle in my lap, that's when I know I am doing something right. And she is so oblivious (obviously) to just how much happiness and joy she brings me, and how much she helps me on a daily basis..I love her more than I can even explain, yes sometimes i do get overwhelmed and I have made mistakes, but that doesn't make me a shitty mom, that means I'm human! 

Letter to a domestoc violence victim.

I'm sitting here in the back seat, on hour number 3 of our 5 hour road trip home from Arizona, and I'm just in complete and utter disbelief at how many of my friends and woman that I know who have at some point been victims of domestic violence, myself included. My heart aches for them because I know how it feels to be crumpled on the floor, crying so hard, begging god "WHEN WILL THIS END!?" after one of his "episodes".

But I never really realized how simple the answer to that question was..all I had to do in that moment was put my foot down and say I've had enough and make the choice to walk away.. BUT that was always a lot easier and simpler than it sounds. Especially when he's the father of your child.

But I just want to make it known, that it is possible to walk away from abuse and I am living proof. I am NOT a victim any longer, I am a survivor, but I'm a survivor because I made that choice for not only myself, but my daughter too. She doesn't deserve to grow up in a home where there is constant verbal and physical abuse going on around her. She deserves to see both of her parents happy and she deserves tobe surrounded by love.

I don't want her to grow up and believe that it's okay for a man to control every aspect of her life from what she wears to the way she does her hair or to who she's allowed to talk to and what She's allowed to do. I Dont want my daughter to think it's EVER okay to lay her hands on someone in a violent way or for someone to put their hands on her..and I really just don't want her to grow up thinking it's okay to be belittle, treated disrespectfully and called names either..

I want to raise my daughter to know her worth and know that she deserves to be praised and told she's beautiful. And that right there, that gave me the strength to leave. I left for mackenzees sake (and mine too of course)..I left to ensure that I could surround her with love and not hate.

Now Dont get me wrong, her father is a great father to her. He has always loved his daughter and I would never doubt his love for her. And she loves him. He would never hurt her. He and I just didn't have a great relationship.

A lot of people tend to forget that abuse is not always physical, in fact it usually begins with verbal abuse and mental abuse. It begins with the constant jealousy, and the constant put downs. If your partner is constantly calling you fat or ugly, chances are, they are NOT the "one" for you. If your partner has to hit you and humiliate you, changes are they are NOT the one..even if you have a child/children with this person. God did not put you on this earth to be abused. But you have to be strong enough to recognize that.

It took me almost a year after initially ending the relationship with my daughters father to realize that maybe we were never meant to be. At this point I truly believe that he was brought into my life to help me create my beautiful daughter, and that's it. God really challenged me to see that, and when I finally did realize that it completely changed me. I was finally able to let go of all he had done to me, I was able to gain respect for him as her father and not just my ex who violated me. I was able to find myself and the mother I wanted to become.. I was able to just breathe and be free again. It took every single ounce of strength in my body to force myself to walk away for good. But I am so beyond thankful that I didn't get what I thought I deserved from him..I'm beyond thankful to god for the strength and knowledge he helped me gain from this entire experience.

So I guess the whole point in this post is that if you are a victim of domestic abuse, please please please Dont believe that you deserve that. There is better out there for you, i promise.. all you have to do is go out and fight for it. I definitely Dont recommend leaving a situation when you're not ready though, because like most victims who are pressured to leave, I was pressured and i went back multiple times before I realize that I was worth more than that. Leave when you are ready, but of course if you and/or your children are in danger then leave as soon as possible..my best suggestions for if you're not ready to leave yet but you want to eventually plan to leave would be to start getting yourself prepared.

Make copied of all your important documents and ask a trusted friend to hold them for you along with a packed bag filled with a change of clothes, and some extra cash or medications you or your children need..write down any important phone numbers you may need on several different pieces of paper and stick them under the foam inserts of your shoes, in jacket pockets ect.. Sit down and create a safety plan with a trusted friend and plan out where you will meet in case of emergency, and create a code word so this person knows if there is a true emergency. Also, keep on hand the number to your nearest woman's shelter so you're able to seek refuge if needed.

Now if you're not living with your partner, than you'll still have to prepare yourself for when you chose to end the relationship. Try not to go out in public by yourself, especially at night. Try to always be alert and aware. Its also a good idea to sit down with someone and create a safety plan in case you are attacked or anything like that.

one of the most the most helpful tips I can offer to you though, is to get help.. Most domestic violence shelters offer counseling and classea to victims without having to stay at the shelter or anything and free of cost. I can tell you the smartest move I ever made when I decided to leave was to get counseling and I continued counseling for two years after we broke up.

Some people might think these tips are silly, but Domestic violence situations can easily escalate from 10 to 100 in a matter of seconds and all it takes is one time to change the rest of your life.

***THIS POST IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO BASH MY CHILDS FATHER. I FULLY RESPECT THE RELATIONSHIP MY CHILD HAS WITH HER FATHER. THIS POST IS TO BRING HOPE TO VICTIMS AND TO BREAK THE SILENCE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.