I feel like I have lost myself and since 2016 has begun, I have made it my mantra to find myself again. I want to find the woman that God has designed me to be. Not that being a mother is not who I want to be, but being a mother is not the only thing I am and I feel like I have really limited myself with that kind of thinking.
This last year, 2015, I went through so many struggles that have not only shaped my heart but have lead me closer to God. I know, I know, God is a sensitive subject. No one wants to talk about it, and I am so sick of that attitude. That is who I used to be. In high school, I was what you would call a "Mean Girl". I had a bad attitude about life and I was more worried about the drama of the week than my grades and school work. I was not into drugs and I rarely drank, but I was sneaky. I was always lying to my parents, always finding things about others girls to make fun of to mask my own insecurities. I was a sad little girl who took her frustration out on other people. Anytime someone mentioned God, I laughed in their face and made fun of them.
I look back and I am ashamed at who I was. I hurt people for no reason and now that I am a mother, I see how wrong I was. I feel horrible for making fun of people who had a strong relationship with God. I made fun of them because I did not understand how they could trust and believe in something like that. I have made it a personal goal of mine to never make people feel that way again. Karma really came around and got me because I have been treated like dirt, I've been called the worst names in the book, all because I became a mother.
When I leave this earth, I want to leave behind a legacy of being good to people. I try to always find Positive in all bad situations because when my life revolved around the negative, I was miserable. I cannot stand to hate someone because it literally eats me up. I will forgive anyone who is strong enough to apologize, and if they cannot apologize, I forgive them in my heart and move on. God has shown me tremendous grace, and I owe him that to show other people grace as well, even the ones who do not deserve it.