Sunday, March 20, 2016

Who are you?

Am I the only who whose toddler mimics their every move? I swear everytime I turn around I catch my threenager doing something that I myself have done or said.. From the way I say it to the physical hand motions and everything. This got me thinking.. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked "Tell me about yourself, who are you?" and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is that I am a mother. Then I stop there. I never really realized just how much my life has revolved around being a mom that I have forgotten who I am besides being a mother. I was so worried that I was not going to live up to "standard" as a mom that I literally based my entire life and every decision that I've made since I found out I was pregnant around that.

I feel like I have lost myself and since 2016 has begun, I have made it my mantra to find myself again. I want to find the woman that God has designed me to be. Not that being a mother is not who I want to be, but being a mother is not the only thing I am and I feel like I have really limited myself with that kind of thinking.

This last year, 2015, I went through so many struggles that have not only shaped my heart but have lead me closer to God. I know, I know, God is a sensitive subject. No one wants to talk about it, and I am so sick of that attitude. That is who I used to be. In high school, I was what you would call a "Mean Girl". I had a bad attitude about life and I was more worried about the drama of the week than my grades and school work. I was not into drugs and I rarely drank, but I was sneaky. I was always lying to my parents, always finding things about others girls to make fun of to mask my own insecurities. I was a sad little girl who took her frustration out on other people. Anytime someone mentioned God, I laughed in their face and made fun of them.

I look back and I am ashamed at who I was. I hurt people for no reason and now that I am a mother, I see how wrong I was. I feel horrible for making fun of people who had a strong relationship with God. I made fun of them because I did not understand how they could trust and believe in something like that.  I have made it a personal goal of mine to never make people feel that way again. Karma really came around and got me because I have been treated like dirt, I've been called the worst names in the book, all because I became a mother.

When I leave this earth, I want to leave behind a legacy of being good to people. I try to always find Positive in all bad situations because when my life revolved around the negative, I was miserable. I cannot stand to hate someone because it literally eats me up. I will forgive anyone who is strong enough to apologize, and if they cannot apologize, I forgive them in my heart and move on. God has shown me tremendous grace, and I owe him that to show other people grace as well, even the ones who do not deserve it. 

I guess what I am trying to get at here is that, I want my toddler to mimic me. But I want to make sure the woman that she is mimicking is a Good, Godly woman. A woman who she can look up to. In order for me to be that woman, I had to look deep within myself and realize that I had some growing to do. 

So my question to all you moms is, who are you? 

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