Sunday, February 9, 2014

Ready or not life here we come! (post from my old blog)

Holding on to the anger seems to be the easiest thing, letting go the hardest. Like they say though sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same. This is me letting go. I’m done trying to make him change and tired of waiting for him to do it himself. It’s not that I want him back, in fact that’s the last thing I want after all the hell he’s put me through. I just have wanted him to be the person I fell in love with for our daughter. Yet that person seems to be just a distant lie, and an unrealistic fantasy. I have realized that the person who said he would be there for my daughter and I is long gone. The person who cried when she was born and apologized for all the lies and deciet he put me through during my pregnancy is in fact the same person he’s been all along. The person that wanted so badly to be here for all of her first steps is now the person who willingly just threw it all away. For what? I’ve realized that the person who wanted me to marry him and wanted us to live happily ever after has always loved other things and had other desires than me without the least bit of remorse. He will not change and the only person that will suffer from it is my daughter. I refuse to let it affect that sweet little girl of mine. I will just have to be twice the parent and give it two hundred percent. My daughter is my world and her father is just that a father, not a dad and I’m sure he will never be a dad to my daughter at least not anytime soon, because that would mean he would have to grow up. That would mean he would have to actually put something before himself and that he would have to quit punching walls and cursing everytime he gets the slightest bit ticked off. Ive always blamed myself for his harsh words and anger and ive always blamed myself for his incapability of being faithful but todays a new day. From now on I wont let that get to me. I am not to blame for the issues he has, I know that he is who he is and it’s not on me. I get the best child in the world, and even better still I get to be the person making memories with her and teaching her how to ride a bike and swim and all of her other big milestones in life. That’s what makes it all worth it, my sweet silver lining. I’m letting go of the anger of his lack of interest in our daughter, because while it is a shame, its not my problem.I’m done worrying about how everyone else is feeling with this, how everyone else will look back at this and am just going to live this broken family life for my daughter. I’m done trying to push the family together and am fine now being the only rock in my daughters life. I’ll be a sturdy rock for her, one that can withstand anything. Ill be her bestfriend and worst enemy sometimes but I promise to make her life as colorful as possible and teach her all I can about everything she wants to know. I promise to be the best me possible and that means just taking care of me, and not worrying about how her father is distancing himself from reality yet again and focusing on other things and other women. I will teach her life lessons and the ones I cant teach I will be there right by her side when she figures them out herself. My daughter and I have a wonderful life ahead of us and a positive outlook on life is how I want her to see this world. From now on we will be glass half full people always finding the silver lining in the darkest of circumstances, and will live a happy life without having anyone hold us back. So here’s to living life to the fullest and living life with no regrets. Ready or not life here we come.

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