What my daughter doesn't know..

My sweet baby girl, every night I tuck her into bed with a kiss on her cheek, and a smile on my face. I tell her I love her and to have sweet dreams, then I turn out the light.

As she drifts off into sweet slumber, I quietly lay in my bed, contemplating everything going on in our lives. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am a full time working mother who also has to share 50/50 custody with my child's father. So what that looks like for me is SACRIFICE. I sacrifice my time with my child so she can have a relationship with her father. I sacrifice my time with my child to be able to provide a roof over her head, clothes on her back, and food in her tummy because someone has to do it. I have to sacrifice many precious moments with my two and half year old and it absolutely kills me. Now I'm not trying to complain. I chose to become a mother and I chose to walk away from her father. I just wish that things were different. As any other "single" parent would..

What my daughter doesn't know is that every single precious moment that I miss with her, I silently beat myself up for. I tear up randomly during the day, at work when  her picture pops up on my screen saver.. I fell like a horrible mother every single time she begs me not to drop her off at school, and when she begs me to pick her up from her dads. She doesn't know that I spent every single night of my pregnancy crying and begging god to give me the strength to be a good mother. She doesn't know that every single day, I have to tell myself "Melissa, stop crying, you need to stay strong, you're doing what's best for her". I have to remind myself of how far I've come since the day she came into my life. She doesn't know that I blame myself for every single thing wrong that has happened in her life.

What my daughter doesn't know is that she is the absolute best thing that has happened to me. Every single time she tells me she loves me, it awakens my soul. It makes every single sacrifice worth it. it makes all the pain and heartache melt away. What my daughter doesn't know is that I would sacrifice every single thing I had just to ensure that she had the world. she doesn't know that she is my motivation and the only thing that keeps me going. Her smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. My daughter doesn't know that she is my favorite person in the entire world and that her existence fills my heart with so much love and so much joy.


One day my daughter will understand all the sacrifices I made for her. One day she will understand just how hard it was for me to share custody with her father. One day she will understand how hard it was for me to leave and go to work every single day instead of staying home with her. One day she will be able to look me in the eye and tell me shes proud of everything I've done for her. and when that day comes, This sacrifice will all be worth it..I love you sweet girl.