Monday, May 11, 2015
I remember our first night home alone together like it was yesterday. She was bundled up in this tiny little sleeper I had bought for her the day after I found out I was having a girl. Sitting in my room, in the dark, with the only light being the light from the cracks underneath the door, I was so scared. I sat in a rocking chair, exhausted, with her in my arms laying against my chest. I had just gotten her to settle down after struggling through another breast feeding nightmare. (My daughter was born with tounge tie, so until she had surgery on her tounge, breast feeding was the most painful/difficult thing Ive ever tried to do) I sat there for a few minutes rocking and softly singing to her. tears poured down my cheeks because my pregnancy was the hardest 9 months of my life and it was finally hitting me. I was so over whelmed with all these different emotions when my daughter was born that I didn't really know how to feel about being a mother. I just kept thinking to myself 'there is no way I can do this. There is no way that I can possibly know exactly what to do In every single situation and this tiny little human is depending on me for everything, what the hell where you thinking doing this Melissa!' I was calling out to God for a miracle, but I wasn't sure if he was even really listening. I was doubting myself as a mother, I didn't think I was good enough to be a mom.
When she was just about to fall asleep I got up softly and tired to place her in her crib. And right as I went to lay her down, her tiny little hand grabbed onto my chest and held on so tight. She started to fuss and it was Almost as if she was reaching out to me to remind me that she needed me. I started sobbing even harder in that moment as I clutched my tiny 3 day old baby to my chest. She immediately calmed down and I felt so much peace in that moment. I sat down and realized that this tiny human needed ME, her mother. No matter what I was dealing with in my life, NONE of that mattered to her because I was her mother. The only thing that mattered to her was being in my arms. It was there in that moment that I knew what kind of mother I would be.
In that moment I finally understood gods love. I understood that he was listening every single time I cried out. I knew that God had designed that moment for me and my daughter with the intention for me to find strength in it. It was in that moment when I realized that motherhood was going to forever be uncharted territory, but it was my job to explore that territory and make an adventure out of it. It was that night that forever shaped my soul into the mother that I am now. I always reflect back on that moment with mackenzee when I'm having a hard time parenting her. I remember that she is still learning who she is and it's my job to help her figure it out. I know now that I am enough. I know now that I am great mother. No one can take that away from me ❤️